An unpublished entry from August 6, 2014
It is no secret that I’ve been on a long journey to transitioning out of a lifestyle which afforded me all I needed and wanted. But the anxiety of stepping out and doing something new can not be described. How could taking off all your clothes, dance in 6 inch heels….on a stage be easier than starting another “normal” job? I have yet to understand for myself. That hasn’t stopped me from attempting to reach out and try new things with the same attitude I brought inside the club when I first started.
“I’m here to work!”
I went before God after struggling with issues that prevented me from even imagining a change. The devil attacked my closest relationships, my mind and my spirit. I was so depressed I couldn’t muster a smile for anything. Striving toward my willingness to change was a struggle that has paid off. Some things weren’t moving fast enough. After spending hours on-line looking and applying for jobs, I have landed a few jobs since retiring.
I have been a pre-school Sign language teacher, a marketing executive for a local denial management firm and a sign language instructor for young girls. During this time I have been working on the official release of Scriptures for Strippers and…..
I have a confession. I have started back dancing again…. but I won’t say where…yet. Hey, I’m in fundraising mode! My biggest new project is to fund a foundation to help women transition out of the strip club. I am experiencing life as a woman attempting to support her son without dancing. And it absolutely the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I had made a deadline for my lifestyle change to come pin of the blue and hit my life. If it didn’t, I made peace with the fact that I would have to dance again. The deadline came but no job. I had done some gigs but not the steady work I needed to support myself and my kid.
My independence was lost and I was humbled by God and reality. I couldn’t control anything because I had absolute no money. But God always provided. We had somewhere to lay our heads, cover our bodies and fill our bellies. Then he paid my bills, put gas in my car and kept me and my son healthy. But I was still depressed because I was tired of depending on God in a passive way. I had become frustrated my being broke and feeling stunted. I cried some nights…and days. I wanted to die because I was just so scared of not being able to do something other than dancing. Worrying about the future is the worst thing to do when depressed.
God has provided miracles for me that have shown me who and what should be my priorities. Not just money. Don’t pray for money. Pray that God meet the need, then keep your eyes and heart open for his blessings. See, God’s blessings are both big and small. He blessed us with breath in our bodies. Many people don’t even think about breathing; they just do it. Recently, God blessed me with a car. A free car. Now, that was a big blessing most would consider to be a miracle. I do and I thank God for that and plan to use the rest of my life living as that giving spirit.
To cheerfully give when the one who helps is in need is one of the most generous of acts. I have met many people who have been a blessing to me but they were also waiting for blessings for themselves. I thank God for all my blessings. He has opened doors (and no man can shut them) He has pardoned debt, He had released me from bondage… And I thank Him.